Untangling the web - with a little help from my friends

My tangled web of thoughts the past few days ~

It started with the essence of individuality..
as John O'Donohue in his book 'Beauty the invisible embrace', says of a friend of his
"Through the blurred awkward surface the beautiful radiance of his son's soul becomes briefly visible. This view always recalls him to a sense of the hidden eternal light of his child's life"

These were important words when I read them, words I can relate to, and also of the transluscent moment, perhaps when a child is born, when we are maybe granted a pure glimpse of a child's essence. I remember that from my two children as babies - the most beautiful painful and magical moment ever.

what pure magic, what a gift to be given, a glimpse of something that is so elusive.

A gift to hang onto in the darker moments, when the essence is hidden deep below layers of growth and development and uncertainty, as they grapple to find it themselves... and perhaps as a gift for us to reflect back at them when they appear to have lost sight of it.

There is nothing quite like someone reflecting back something you once knew but had forgotten, had lost sight of ~

those lessons we learn in our younger days, and promise ourselves we will never forget, but that instantly go out of our heads and fly far away when we are faced with the reality of a situation we need to use them in... you know the ones when it would really be so helpful if we could just remember them and put them into practice, because of course once upon a time we were going to be cool adults and yet when we reflect back at ourselves what we hear is nowhere near as cool as we'd have liked it to be...
I constantly fail on so many levels, and none more than the cool one!!

Lessons we need to be reminded of now and again, when we really do need to see it as someone else sees it.
When astute friends with clear vision really are a gift, and are there to gently guide us back onto the path, to untangle us from the weeds that have grown along the way.

Maybe, perhaps, even with the best will in the world, it is just us getting older.
Does the wisdom of years rob us of something special we once had?
I feel I am constantly learning from children of all ages.
Are the ideals of youth so foolish, (I don't think so) or is it just we fail to remember because priorities change through life?

Perhaps the web isn't quite as tangled as I'd thought... perhaps it's all about a bit of time travel and xray vision, and friends and love...

Joining the dots

"And as is often the case with faith, I thought I was being asked a favour, when in fact I was being given one"

words that made me stop and think, only a few pages into Mitch Albom's latest book "Have a little Faith", which was one of several gems I gathered at the airport on my way back from a conference this week.
The flycover says :
"It is one man's journey, but it is everyone's story."
I wonder if in essence that is why his books all leave an impression on me long after I have turned the final page. They speak to the universal in all of us.

It would seem that the reading bug has been rekindled of late, a healthy sign I am more than happy to embrace ~ there are far too many times when I can't / don't read and it acts almost like an internal barometer to gauge both internal and external stresses...

Sometimes in life it appears to me we spend our time connecting dots that are already there, sometimes it seems we are waiting for dots to appear, and sometimes we are actually creating dots ourselves.

And then there are times when the dots just don't seem to join up at all... but I believe they will in time, or else they are the bright shining ones that stand alone and serve mainly to illuminate some of the others.

There are so many things going on that I am pleased to have the half term to take the opportunity to kick back, regroup, revive and prepare for the next half, and all being well we can indulge things we can't during term time, follow our hearts and impulses even more than before.

To take time to reflect and see if some of the dots do in fact fit well together ~ I sense they do more than I thought - and that is exciting, like being given a glimpse of what is or maybe to come... hope and possibility that keeps us forging ahead.

and pondering the favours I have been given along the way, even if they didn't appear as such to start with..

The power of Art..

This is incredible - and thanks to Shirley for bringing it to my attention... so powerful...

Tonight

Smiling at synchronicity... when the phone rings at exactly the same time as I pick up my mobile to text...

and feeling that somehow the strings that connect our souls together are really made of elastic.. they stretch and stretch over oceans and continents, and yet they always bounce back to one another...

feeling lots of things, and learning, or trying to learn at least, from far braver, stronger, wiser and very humble humans, who achieve so much without seeming to see that they are... in very difficult circumstances

Thinking about letter writing...with ink and paper, for words to hold close to hearts and keep safe

wishing I could somehow stop the world and rewind, not to replay it again, but just in case I didn't take it in as much as I should or could have at the time - in case I missed a bit... in case I'm missing so much at the moment when I want to absorb it all, and please don't lets hurry the future too much...


wondering about the few words or a thoughtful action(s) that alter how someone sees something or feels about something, the effect we have, that sometimes we don't know until maybe years later, maybe never
and wondering about the connections we make almost unknowingly

and what it means when someone thinks to tell us .... incredible!

and contemplating this long and arduous road ~ even though we've left rough terrain behind, it's the deceptive gradual hill that requires constant energy... and free wheeling can seem a long way off
sometimes it is good to look back and acknowledge that we are not in the same place as we were..
it's easy to forget how far we have come, and only focus on how far we have to go...

perhaps we should reward ourselves more often than we do, if only to encourage ourselves to carry on...?

However, tonight I think rest beckons
and prayers as my children sleep - one here and one in France...

Reality wake up calls

Life is very strange.. it is wonderful and mystical.. interconnected and entwined..with all kinds of wonderful humans all on their own journeys
and somehow they all add to our own journey.
It seems lots of things have been happening lately - there have been a larger number of young deaths than normal which have had an effect on my life - and also some wonderful new connections that have added extra sparkle and depth to my life in a very superficial and yet also very deep and incredibly secure way.. the very best way there can be...
another way of describing friends...they work on all kinds of levels depending on what you need from one another at any given time.

As another beautiful book (Tony Parson's "One for my baby") I am reading says..
"That is the way it starts. You look at someone you have never met before and you recognise them. That's all. You just recognise them. Then it begins."

beginnings and endings..

but along with any ending - if indeed that is what it is - on this planet anyhow..

there comes reflection and learning and sometimes maybe the reality wake up call that is very much needed about how we are living our lives.. about what is important
so many different strands of life existing alongside one another - and yet not always in harmony.
We need the fine tooth comb of life to separate them sometimes.

Tonight as I struggled with one aspect that has been bothering me lately I came across photos and reality from one life lost way too young, which brought me almost to my knees.. and with it a new perspective, a new reality.
Pain and happiness, sorrow and joy.. two sides of the same coin...
we can't really know one unless we have known the other I guess

somewhere there is a hand that guides, and sometimes I am sure these wake up calls are not nearly as random as they seem.. they are there to learn from and serve a very real purpose.. even if that is to keep hope alive and keep us keeping on.
In some way at the moment, that is comforting...

A rough diamond...

A book a friend lent me - not pretty, or beautiful, more harsh and shocking - I guess to a degree, although forewarned is forearmed, so I wasn't expecting anything less!
Real life for some people, an insight into the darker side of a life I have only ever guessed and sometimes patched up when they came my way through the doors of the accident department.

Based in Liverpool, this was written from Kelly's perspective towards the end of the book... in dialect ~

"We wanner stumble blindly and unthinkinly through ar days, strip them of authenticity an light an any real joy an it makes no fuckin sense, no fuckin sense. So fuckin terrified are we of death that we make arselves so ignoble an base an petty an vile an meaningless an shallow that when death finally comes for us, there's precious fuckin little for it to take. An in that way we think we've beaten it. But we haven't, an we don't; because we do nothing of worth, live in no fuckin glories whatsoever an when we're gone it's like we were never bleedin here. We've made no mark in the concrete to prove that we passed this way, that we existed. So we don't defeat death, an we never could; we defeat life. Turn it all colourless an tasteless, bland an insipid an bled dry. We settle for mediocrity an we're perfectly fuckin happy to do so, we can't even imagine anythin else, anythin more. Actions without consequence. Let others tell us what to do, do away with the enormity of thinkin for arselves"

"Can smell the sea now, the river. Salt in me nostrils.....why the fuck aren't we screaming? Standin with ar arms outstretched on the rooves of tall buildings... trying to do somethin, anything, to arrest the withering of ar hearts"

A cry that feels all too familiar from so many - a yearning for more than there is.. a freedom.
It took me back to people I knew and loved, who had nothing, who asked for very little, but who gave so very much...
and made me think about freedom
about how when all we have is time to give
and ourselves, perhaps we are closer to freedom than we think

and perhaps it is that, which is so very beautiful, that shines from them, and drew me close to them...

Ultimately it is what we yearn for, and search for.. and hold onto
life and living,
love,
acceptance,
freedom

a rough diamond of a book that has left me thinking

Just yesterday a new small ball of fluff came into our lives. A new kitten. She is black and white and adorable - as long as you like cats I guess...

she is cute in a slightly imperfect way... she was the last to be chosen, has a mark by her eye and a big smudge under her chin. I like that.
She is full of life and energy, curious, vulnerable, needs caring for and is fiercely independent...she plays and she sleeps, and eats when she needs to refuel...and soaks up love and gives lots out in return

I brought her home - took her away from her Mum...she was scared, I tried to comfort her on the way home, she bit me.. when we got home, she cuddled into me and slept on my lap for over three hours..and I became her best friend - her only friend at that point.. I put her down, she cried, I picked her up again...

R junior came home from playing football with dirty muddy hands, and salty skin - she licked and licked and licked...and fell asleep in the palm of his hand.

We have journeyed a bumpy path since April (and before) and we lost Bramble right at the start of it suddenly and unexpectedly...which had a massive impact on the children.
It was mainly their choice to have another cat. I didn't know how long it would be, or if they would...
they listened to their feelings, and when they said they would really like one, a series of happy coincidences led us to both a new kitten and a new (human) friend.

Observing this change in our house is fascinating and warming.
It's a comforting feeling to have new life around again, but it is also wonderful to watch both children with her, and see them pour love and affection, nurture and care on her...
and to see how she responds and learns
how instinctive she is.. how playful and how in so many ways how she reacts is so similar to how people react.

My yoga teacher asked the other day whether we were kittens or monkeys.. monkeys cling on for dear life and kittens explore and flop out.. I'm not sure I got it 100% as I can think of many arguments against that - however, this kitten does have qualities I can identify with about how we adapt and interact with our environment

Just thoughts as our world evolves here :)
I do have pics but it's late and I must sleep... tomorrow :)

lyrics..

Working, listening to music, and these lyrics kept coming to me...


Sorry for no words of my own here for a while ~ but will be soon, waiting on time and space and some coherency of thought ~ blogging is good for that sometimes :)



How tides control the sea, and what becomes of me
How little things can slip out of your hands
How often people change, not to remain the same
Why things don't always turn out as you plan

These are things that I don't understand
Yeah, these are things that I don't understand

I can't, and I can't decide
Wrong, oh my wrong from right
Day, oh my day from night
Dark, oh my dark from light
I live, but I love this life

How infinite is space, and who decides your fate
Why everything will dissolve into sand
How to avoid defeat, when truth and fiction meet
Why nothing ever turns out as you plan

These are things that I don't understand
Yeah, these are things that I don't understand

I can , and I can't decide
Wrong, oh my wrong from right
Day, oh my day from night
Or dark, oh my dark from light
I live, but I love this life

"One day, love and friendship met.

Love asked, Why do you exist when I already exist?

Friendship smiled and said, to put a smile where you leave tears"

I don't know who to attribute that to but I read it and loved it.... and felt it was so true.
Life is hectic as ever and am making inroads into the piles of paperwork aswell as getting settled back into term.
Challenges appear out of nowhere, and yet if we knew they were coming perhaps we'd just be more anxious about their imminent arrival instead of meeting them head on as they crop up.
That said, friends are the net which catch us and bounce us back up onto the trapeze when we fall....
they are invaluable :)

anyhow, I liked this quote!

Coming home

coming home
the key in the lock,
a slight breeze,
a voice,
a scent,
a touch,
warm strong arms holding you close
hearts beating, the rhythmic lub dub reassuring,
familiar feelings feeding the senses,
feeling safe.

Safe to breathe, safe to feel, safe to be...

Is home a place?
or a feeling?
a person?
or a state of mind?
It can be a long time coming,
yet coming home is always good...

a gift to be treasured.

NEED WASHING??

Just read this and wanted to share :)

Sometimes We All Need A Little Washing

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in 'Mom let's run through the rain,' she said

'What?' Mom asked.

'Lets run through the rain!' She repeated

'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain,'

'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.

'No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

'This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?'

'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly.. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,' Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories. So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

Filtering

'Athlete' playing under a moonlit sky

thoughts and feelings and emotions from the bank holiday weekend that was Greenbelt
while we get back into the swing of things here - school and children's activities and associated stuff.

Yet in the background being processed and having an effect is everything we take from such a life influencing experience... from the things that soothe, to the things that shake you up and make you look outside the box. The affirming and the soul searching. The difficult things and the things that somehow just seem to make sense, out of nowhere somehow.

Music, people, meeting friends, including the very wonderful C and K... aka one pedestrian and good in parts. A real highlight of my festival, thank you both, xx

Much of it is personal, but it is very strange that it's effect is felt far longer than just four days... and even in experiencing aloneness amidst the vastness of the race course, there is a connection to something bigger.. perhaps it lets us dream bigger than we dared.

Just maybe
a glimpse of possibilities
a glimpse of hope
and love and friendship
and the threads of it carry on, regardless, weaving into our lives
which makes it a fairly unique and special place to be.

But, as I said, just filtering...letting it settle and reveal it's true colours once the tiredness has past and we are back into the every day.

Greenbelt 09

A special place, friends, meetings, a magical wonderful half day with a most beautiful person, an incredible thought provoking, fire starting experience..! more on all later... :)
more to come, more to experience...
late nights and the best company
It's special
tired but happy... can't beat it!

Bruised souls

We bruise easily,
and the bruises aren't always seen,
we feel them before they show,
If we are clever we can cover them over so they don't show as much..
a bit of makeup, a smile, a laugh,
but behind those telling eyes lies the real truth

Those who hurt us know what they are doing,
they are only too well aware,
yet others don't always see,
or choose not to.
Even if we tell we may not be believed.

We rarely are.

They who hurt are clever,
and care not for feelings
apart from their own, their own self gratification,
feeding on scraps thrown,
or feast on spoils gained by means more often foul than fair


depending how hard our skin is,
we may not bleed when we fall,
bones may not be broken,
but we will always bruise,
and we will always feel the hurt, the pain
hidden away, under layers of fabric,
out of view, yet very much felt..
the ache and throb of bruised flesh
a soul bleeding into itself

all souls bleed,
all souls bruise,

every time...
and every time we heal,
yet souls never harden to bruises,

it's human,
and it hurts,
yet how many really see?

A blank page

sitting quietly, with a blank page, hundreds of thoughts and moments running through my mind, ideas, concerns, worries, lists, people, places, prayers intertwined, journeys.... friends mid-ocean as I type, lots to filter into some kind of order.. all fill their allocated spaces and jostle for attention.
Nothing that forms any sense to write about. I know I should sleep.
Somehow staring at a blank page, although the ideas and thoughts haven't yet been verbalised, helps to soothe and to settle...
to calm
not all words need to be spoken, nor thoughts expressed, sometimes contemplation is enough
sometimes a blank page is what we need...

or even a thin place where things fall into the wonderful scheme of life somehow...

and we're nearly there

Stepping up a gear and getting ready for time out

some are already there getting it ready, we'll arrive when it's all set up...

starting to get excited now

15 years ago

A hand to hold through the storm...

Noone ever said it was going to be easy, I know that, and some people learn it earlier than others, but we all learn it at some point.

We all need a hand to hold, especially when the storms blow up,
and arms to comfort when we are washed up on the shore.
People who will walk with us on the adventure and encourage us when we get weary, aswell as celebrating all the good things there are around,
someone to take risks with and for.
If we're lucky hopefully we can always look and see at least someone who is there, it might not always be the same face, but someone...


15 years ago we promised to be there for one another, through thick and thin, (or sick and sin). Perhaps anniversaries just make us pause and reflect, on scars and bruises and celebrate the journey so far.
A hand, a safe hand to hold.

And now, looking ahead, taking the next leap into the future wherever that may be.

And raising a glass, because there can never be enough reasons to do that!

Cheers, x

Doing it the french way...

Taking life slow meant sometimes frequenting local cafes.. and some very nice ones too with various art adorning the walls

and perhaps the most plush ladies room I have been to in a cafe,
but then not all loos have been Feng Shui ed!

Perhaps I should consider this at home,
but am not sure I could get it to wash with the kids somehow...

Just made me smile :)

Tales of the unexpected..

Does the world go mad every now and again?

Gets a little more shook up, people become even more erratic than usual, less predictable and more illogical?

When you look out, you see chaos and muddy paths, sometimes left in the wake of unnecessary hurt and pain, and more often than not in the wake of human action or inaction.
And nothing really makes any sense, falls apart under scrutiny.

Or is it that the world is always like this, and just sometimes it is brought closer to home, brought to our attention, to make us sit up and take notice of what's outside our own small and yet significant (to us) lives.

Sometimes is it perhaps a 'wake up call' from the universe, a reminder of how erratic us human creatures really are, or can be, to take us out of our boxes and get caught up in the conundrum of life again?

Whatever it is, lately I've come to start expecting the unexpected ...

and so to bed... :)

Coming Home

You can't come home till you've been away...

the attic hideaway

We're back from a week away, and hopefully some of it will stay with us..
the frame of mind, the peace, the feelings
the time we had to pause and reflect, and comment in the margin of the manuscript of day to day life, to escape and re energise, and to rediscover some of the fun of just being together and playing.

without television, or internet connection (apart from one cafe we frequented on several occassions) and with very intermittent mobile connection, there is little choice, which is good in so many ways.

and so we walked, cycled, and even (almost) or at least practiced our unicycling...one day we'll master the art of it :)

having fun, just being friends, enjoying being around one another,
playing and laughing, appreciating the countryside and the river and all it had to offer.

not sure what the crosses were for - we kept coming across them along the roadside...

free dandelion wishes... :)