A rough diamond...

A book a friend lent me - not pretty, or beautiful, more harsh and shocking - I guess to a degree, although forewarned is forearmed, so I wasn't expecting anything less!
Real life for some people, an insight into the darker side of a life I have only ever guessed and sometimes patched up when they came my way through the doors of the accident department.

Based in Liverpool, this was written from Kelly's perspective towards the end of the book... in dialect ~

"We wanner stumble blindly and unthinkinly through ar days, strip them of authenticity an light an any real joy an it makes no fuckin sense, no fuckin sense. So fuckin terrified are we of death that we make arselves so ignoble an base an petty an vile an meaningless an shallow that when death finally comes for us, there's precious fuckin little for it to take. An in that way we think we've beaten it. But we haven't, an we don't; because we do nothing of worth, live in no fuckin glories whatsoever an when we're gone it's like we were never bleedin here. We've made no mark in the concrete to prove that we passed this way, that we existed. So we don't defeat death, an we never could; we defeat life. Turn it all colourless an tasteless, bland an insipid an bled dry. We settle for mediocrity an we're perfectly fuckin happy to do so, we can't even imagine anythin else, anythin more. Actions without consequence. Let others tell us what to do, do away with the enormity of thinkin for arselves"

"Can smell the sea now, the river. Salt in me nostrils.....why the fuck aren't we screaming? Standin with ar arms outstretched on the rooves of tall buildings... trying to do somethin, anything, to arrest the withering of ar hearts"

A cry that feels all too familiar from so many - a yearning for more than there is.. a freedom.
It took me back to people I knew and loved, who had nothing, who asked for very little, but who gave so very much...
and made me think about freedom
about how when all we have is time to give
and ourselves, perhaps we are closer to freedom than we think

and perhaps it is that, which is so very beautiful, that shines from them, and drew me close to them...

Ultimately it is what we yearn for, and search for.. and hold onto
life and living,
love,
acceptance,
freedom

a rough diamond of a book that has left me thinking

Just yesterday a new small ball of fluff came into our lives. A new kitten. She is black and white and adorable - as long as you like cats I guess...

she is cute in a slightly imperfect way... she was the last to be chosen, has a mark by her eye and a big smudge under her chin. I like that.
She is full of life and energy, curious, vulnerable, needs caring for and is fiercely independent...she plays and she sleeps, and eats when she needs to refuel...and soaks up love and gives lots out in return

I brought her home - took her away from her Mum...she was scared, I tried to comfort her on the way home, she bit me.. when we got home, she cuddled into me and slept on my lap for over three hours..and I became her best friend - her only friend at that point.. I put her down, she cried, I picked her up again...

R junior came home from playing football with dirty muddy hands, and salty skin - she licked and licked and licked...and fell asleep in the palm of his hand.

We have journeyed a bumpy path since April (and before) and we lost Bramble right at the start of it suddenly and unexpectedly...which had a massive impact on the children.
It was mainly their choice to have another cat. I didn't know how long it would be, or if they would...
they listened to their feelings, and when they said they would really like one, a series of happy coincidences led us to both a new kitten and a new (human) friend.

Observing this change in our house is fascinating and warming.
It's a comforting feeling to have new life around again, but it is also wonderful to watch both children with her, and see them pour love and affection, nurture and care on her...
and to see how she responds and learns
how instinctive she is.. how playful and how in so many ways how she reacts is so similar to how people react.

My yoga teacher asked the other day whether we were kittens or monkeys.. monkeys cling on for dear life and kittens explore and flop out.. I'm not sure I got it 100% as I can think of many arguments against that - however, this kitten does have qualities I can identify with about how we adapt and interact with our environment

Just thoughts as our world evolves here :)
I do have pics but it's late and I must sleep... tomorrow :)

lyrics..

Working, listening to music, and these lyrics kept coming to me...


Sorry for no words of my own here for a while ~ but will be soon, waiting on time and space and some coherency of thought ~ blogging is good for that sometimes :)



How tides control the sea, and what becomes of me
How little things can slip out of your hands
How often people change, not to remain the same
Why things don't always turn out as you plan

These are things that I don't understand
Yeah, these are things that I don't understand

I can't, and I can't decide
Wrong, oh my wrong from right
Day, oh my day from night
Dark, oh my dark from light
I live, but I love this life

How infinite is space, and who decides your fate
Why everything will dissolve into sand
How to avoid defeat, when truth and fiction meet
Why nothing ever turns out as you plan

These are things that I don't understand
Yeah, these are things that I don't understand

I can , and I can't decide
Wrong, oh my wrong from right
Day, oh my day from night
Or dark, oh my dark from light
I live, but I love this life

"One day, love and friendship met.

Love asked, Why do you exist when I already exist?

Friendship smiled and said, to put a smile where you leave tears"

I don't know who to attribute that to but I read it and loved it.... and felt it was so true.
Life is hectic as ever and am making inroads into the piles of paperwork aswell as getting settled back into term.
Challenges appear out of nowhere, and yet if we knew they were coming perhaps we'd just be more anxious about their imminent arrival instead of meeting them head on as they crop up.
That said, friends are the net which catch us and bounce us back up onto the trapeze when we fall....
they are invaluable :)

anyhow, I liked this quote!

Coming home

coming home
the key in the lock,
a slight breeze,
a voice,
a scent,
a touch,
warm strong arms holding you close
hearts beating, the rhythmic lub dub reassuring,
familiar feelings feeding the senses,
feeling safe.

Safe to breathe, safe to feel, safe to be...

Is home a place?
or a feeling?
a person?
or a state of mind?
It can be a long time coming,
yet coming home is always good...

a gift to be treasured.

NEED WASHING??

Just read this and wanted to share :)

Sometimes We All Need A Little Washing

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in 'Mom let's run through the rain,' she said

'What?' Mom asked.

'Lets run through the rain!' She repeated

'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain,'

'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.

'No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

'This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?'

'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly.. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,' Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories. So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

Filtering

'Athlete' playing under a moonlit sky

thoughts and feelings and emotions from the bank holiday weekend that was Greenbelt
while we get back into the swing of things here - school and children's activities and associated stuff.

Yet in the background being processed and having an effect is everything we take from such a life influencing experience... from the things that soothe, to the things that shake you up and make you look outside the box. The affirming and the soul searching. The difficult things and the things that somehow just seem to make sense, out of nowhere somehow.

Music, people, meeting friends, including the very wonderful C and K... aka one pedestrian and good in parts. A real highlight of my festival, thank you both, xx

Much of it is personal, but it is very strange that it's effect is felt far longer than just four days... and even in experiencing aloneness amidst the vastness of the race course, there is a connection to something bigger.. perhaps it lets us dream bigger than we dared.

Just maybe
a glimpse of possibilities
a glimpse of hope
and love and friendship
and the threads of it carry on, regardless, weaving into our lives
which makes it a fairly unique and special place to be.

But, as I said, just filtering...letting it settle and reveal it's true colours once the tiredness has past and we are back into the every day.

Greenbelt 09

A special place, friends, meetings, a magical wonderful half day with a most beautiful person, an incredible thought provoking, fire starting experience..! more on all later... :)
more to come, more to experience...
late nights and the best company
It's special
tired but happy... can't beat it!

Bruised souls

We bruise easily,
and the bruises aren't always seen,
we feel them before they show,
If we are clever we can cover them over so they don't show as much..
a bit of makeup, a smile, a laugh,
but behind those telling eyes lies the real truth

Those who hurt us know what they are doing,
they are only too well aware,
yet others don't always see,
or choose not to.
Even if we tell we may not be believed.

We rarely are.

They who hurt are clever,
and care not for feelings
apart from their own, their own self gratification,
feeding on scraps thrown,
or feast on spoils gained by means more often foul than fair


depending how hard our skin is,
we may not bleed when we fall,
bones may not be broken,
but we will always bruise,
and we will always feel the hurt, the pain
hidden away, under layers of fabric,
out of view, yet very much felt..
the ache and throb of bruised flesh
a soul bleeding into itself

all souls bleed,
all souls bruise,

every time...
and every time we heal,
yet souls never harden to bruises,

it's human,
and it hurts,
yet how many really see?

A blank page

sitting quietly, with a blank page, hundreds of thoughts and moments running through my mind, ideas, concerns, worries, lists, people, places, prayers intertwined, journeys.... friends mid-ocean as I type, lots to filter into some kind of order.. all fill their allocated spaces and jostle for attention.
Nothing that forms any sense to write about. I know I should sleep.
Somehow staring at a blank page, although the ideas and thoughts haven't yet been verbalised, helps to soothe and to settle...
to calm
not all words need to be spoken, nor thoughts expressed, sometimes contemplation is enough
sometimes a blank page is what we need...

or even a thin place where things fall into the wonderful scheme of life somehow...

and we're nearly there

Stepping up a gear and getting ready for time out

some are already there getting it ready, we'll arrive when it's all set up...

starting to get excited now

15 years ago

A hand to hold through the storm...

Noone ever said it was going to be easy, I know that, and some people learn it earlier than others, but we all learn it at some point.

We all need a hand to hold, especially when the storms blow up,
and arms to comfort when we are washed up on the shore.
People who will walk with us on the adventure and encourage us when we get weary, aswell as celebrating all the good things there are around,
someone to take risks with and for.
If we're lucky hopefully we can always look and see at least someone who is there, it might not always be the same face, but someone...


15 years ago we promised to be there for one another, through thick and thin, (or sick and sin). Perhaps anniversaries just make us pause and reflect, on scars and bruises and celebrate the journey so far.
A hand, a safe hand to hold.

And now, looking ahead, taking the next leap into the future wherever that may be.

And raising a glass, because there can never be enough reasons to do that!

Cheers, x

Doing it the french way...

Taking life slow meant sometimes frequenting local cafes.. and some very nice ones too with various art adorning the walls

and perhaps the most plush ladies room I have been to in a cafe,
but then not all loos have been Feng Shui ed!

Perhaps I should consider this at home,
but am not sure I could get it to wash with the kids somehow...

Just made me smile :)

Tales of the unexpected..

Does the world go mad every now and again?

Gets a little more shook up, people become even more erratic than usual, less predictable and more illogical?

When you look out, you see chaos and muddy paths, sometimes left in the wake of unnecessary hurt and pain, and more often than not in the wake of human action or inaction.
And nothing really makes any sense, falls apart under scrutiny.

Or is it that the world is always like this, and just sometimes it is brought closer to home, brought to our attention, to make us sit up and take notice of what's outside our own small and yet significant (to us) lives.

Sometimes is it perhaps a 'wake up call' from the universe, a reminder of how erratic us human creatures really are, or can be, to take us out of our boxes and get caught up in the conundrum of life again?

Whatever it is, lately I've come to start expecting the unexpected ...

and so to bed... :)

Coming Home

You can't come home till you've been away...

the attic hideaway

We're back from a week away, and hopefully some of it will stay with us..
the frame of mind, the peace, the feelings
the time we had to pause and reflect, and comment in the margin of the manuscript of day to day life, to escape and re energise, and to rediscover some of the fun of just being together and playing.

without television, or internet connection (apart from one cafe we frequented on several occassions) and with very intermittent mobile connection, there is little choice, which is good in so many ways.

and so we walked, cycled, and even (almost) or at least practiced our unicycling...one day we'll master the art of it :)

having fun, just being friends, enjoying being around one another,
playing and laughing, appreciating the countryside and the river and all it had to offer.

not sure what the crosses were for - we kept coming across them along the roadside...

free dandelion wishes... :)

“Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.”

Buddha quote

or a touch
or a presence,
just being there,
just loving.

Today, was long, good, painful, full...
full of huge feelings and emotions,
and full of love...

Love is the only thing that makes any difference to anything
I am more certain of that than ever, as I look back and ponder today,
and I am grateful and fortunate to have been surrounded by people who have cared and who love.

prayers and thoughts go out to the whole family whose baby girl was laid to rest today....

If love could bring her back then she'd be right here, living now...
yet love can merely comfort those who are here living and feeling

Big thoughts, big feelings, and so much love....

time lapse photography is wonderful...

I learned new things about the symbolic meaning of butterflies today...

I like that :)

Untitled....

In a few days I will pay my last respects and say goodbye to a gorgeous beautiful little girl who lived for all of one year in this world... I'm out of words on that front

and so loved this post from James Oh...

life makes no sense at all.. all I know is I have to live it while I am here...

some people manage to do just that...pure inspiration

surfbabe unleashed...

Wow...
I've just been surfing.. not merely playing in the surf, but on a proper board riding those waves...
my very first time... a virgin surf babe.. that came out wrong but you know what I mean!

what an incredible adrenaline rush, the most amazing feeling.. ever...(almost)

it's been a very very long time since I felt like that.

Release the inner you, dig deep and find what makes you come alive...
I think I've got myself a new sport.

all afternoon on my knees.. the next step is to stand up...somehow I just wanted to feel at ease on my knees before I went to the next stage, but boy did it feel good. Noone ever told me how good it was going to be...

me, a board, the waves, the taste and smell and noise of the sea...and pure unadulterated exhileration...

plus, and this was the only reason I was persuaded to give it a go in the first place...

it was my first time ever in a wetsuit... I'd never have realised how much of a difference they made..
Raynauds and lupus forgotten, I was snug and warm almost.

So, that's birthday and Christmas sorted present wise... and if you want to find me, I'll be playing with the surf and surfers... and keeping fit at the same time :)

Am sure that somewhere out there God was not so much hiding as beaming and laughing with me...enjoying the beauty and forcefulness of his creation... the most incredible playground... amazing.

am waiting to start to ache as I realise that two hours is quite a long time to be constantly dragging your board through the surf and pulling yourself up onto it, but it never crossed my mind till afterwards...

In the moment

So, we follow the signs,we listen and we go where our hearts take us, or we go where we will, where we need to go,
paths cross, and conversations take place.

Somehow we know that some of these conversations are important,
they mark a path perhaps for sometime in the future,
we don't know where we are going,
yet somehow we know we are being led, or we are at least going somewhere.

We eat and drink with friends, we share laughter and fun,
experiences,
and sometimes it feels odd to be aware that whilst we are doing just that, we are in fact journeying,
and that while we are enjoying the moment, there is something ahead that beckons

always moving, never standing still, there is always another corner left to turn, with perhaps a surprise waiting beyond it...


( just back from a spontaneous evening with friends (my family) getting passport photos signed, somehow it was a perfect evening...)